Ibuki Miko
by UnendingEmpire
Summary: A little incident in Gensokyo is actually big in the outside world, so Reimu needs to step out and investigate. Taking her place is...Suika, of all people? To make circumstances even worse for the shrine, its resident goddess just so happens to be back in town.
1. Chapter 1

**I've seen plenty of fanart with Suika wearing Reimu's clothes and exposing her lolita oni armpits, but I don't recall seeing anything where Suika actually fills in Reimu's occupation as Hakurei miko. That's why I wrote this; so that the tsurupettan would have a big responsibility. Two obscure PC-98 characters appear in this chapter, and they were both even in the same game :D**

**On a totally unrelated note, I think more fanfics where other characters become shrine maidens (like this one or my Rumia/Kogasa fic) should be written; I'm sure they'd be a good thing, especially with humorous characters like Suika!**

* * *

"Suika!"

"Nooo…ten more minutes." Suika didn't want to wake up, much to Reimu's annoyance and dismay.

"You said that an hour ago!"

"But I'm sleepy~"

"Too bad, get up." Dragging the tsurupettan oni outside by her arm, Reimu tossed the oni on the stone path in front of the shrine where the midday sun would get right into her eyes.

"Ow!" Getting up to her feet and popping the cork off her legendary gourd of endless sake, Suika asked "What's up your armpits today?" _SLAM!_ Next thing the soon-to-be drunken oni knew, her forehead was covered in a yin-yang shaped bruise. "Quit hitting me!"

"Yukari's got me going to the outside world to resolve an incident there that could threaten Gensokyo if it's left unchecked, so I need you to make yourself useful and fill in for me as shrine maiden until I get back since I'll be gone for quite a while, alright?"

"Hmm…"

"Suika," Reimu said, clearly getting more frustrated by the second. "You eat all my food, sleep wherever you damn please, and you don't pay me a single yen of rent for it. Either you do this simple task for me, or you'll have to find somewhere else to be a freeloader."

"That's quite a proposal," Suika said, taking a large sip out of her gourd. The drunkenness would soon follow, and Suika would be at 100% Suika-ness. "I really like this shrine; it's pretty and comfortable, and pretty comfortable too. It's where everybody gets together to have parties when incidents are solved, and Yukari comes here a lot, so…yeah, I'd love to be the shrine maiden!"

"Good," Reimu said as a gap opened behind her. It seemed that Yukari was here the whole time; just on the other side of the border between visible and invisible. "Keep the place clean, solve whatever minor incidents occur, and try not to destroy the place." Reimu stepped into the gap, it closed, and like that, no more Reimu in Gensokyo.

"Hmm…I'm the Hakurei miko now."

"Quite an occasion," Yukari said, gapping onto the shrine grounds in front of Suika. "I'd say something like this calls for a celebration."

"Yeah! You go spread the news; I have to go put on Reimu's clothes!" No Hakurei miko was complete without the red and white armpit-revealing outfit that probably defined Reimu more than her shrine. Suika knew where to find the changes of clothes Reimu kept; she'd been freeloading here for quite some time so she knew where to find most everything. And Reimu told her to keep the place clean, solve incidents, and…what else, again?

* * *

**Sunset; Hakurei Shrine…**

"Quite a party, ze," Marisa said, indulging herself in a sip of sake from a dish filled with the finest sake from Suika's bottomless gourd. Having an oni like this at the party meant drinks for everybody! "I wonder if-" _CRASH!_ The grounds of the shrine shook fiercely for a brief moment, but before long, it was done with. "Was that an earthquake, ze?"

"Nah, any oni…or even anybody who -hic- lives in Former Hell long enough can tell ya. That's -hic- the sound of oni wrestling!" Running over to the scene to see who would win, Suika was willing to put heavy money on Yuugi. Three of the Four Devas were at this party to celebrate their friend becoming Hakurei miko, and the fight breaking out was Yuugi against an enemy of the last miko; Konngara. "Grab her by the horn," Suika shouted to the two wrestling oni, particularly to Yuugi. "Grab Konngara by -hic- the horn, Yuugi! Like you do when we fight!"

"Don't help her," Konngara shouted back. "Yuugi the Strong needs no help in a fight!" _SLAM!_ The Astral Knight was slammed into the stone path in front of the shrine, breaking the stones into little more than gravel. "Oww…I forfeit."

"Ha-ha, it was fun while it lasted," Yuugi said, pulling her black-haired friend up to her feet. "An oni doesn't need a sword, Konngara. You've gotta ditch that metal stick of yours and learn to fight with your own two fists; I'm sure Kasen would be happy to teach you. If you see her, make sure to ask her where she was tonight; Suika being a shrine maiden's a big deal!"

"That it is." Looking over to the oni miko herself, Konngara asked "Being the Hakurei miko, if I caught up with Gensokyo right, means you'll have quite a few things to worry about."

"Things to worry about," Suika asked, but not before another massive swig of saké. "What kind of -hic- things?"

"Poverty," Konngara started, going over the list. "I hear Yukari makes annoying company, but I doubt a good friend of yours like that is going to be annoying. And then there _is_ one more thing to worry about. An old friend of mine; we met in Hell."

"Oh? No wonder none -hic- of the other oni couldn't find you; you weren't even in Former Hell!"

"That's…a long story. Anyway, this friend of mine. She's a magician, and a damn strong one too. She's been around for a real long time and last I heard from her, she was trying to take the Hakurei miko's powers."

"I bet I could take her; I'm -hic- an oni after all."

"Not to mention one of the Four Devas. Anyway, her name is Mima and-"

"Did somebody say Mima, ze?" How Marisa heard Konngara from across the shrine's grounds, or how she got across said grounds that fast, was anybody's guess. Perhaps some kind of minor teleportation spell taught to her from the green-haired goddess herself. "What, is she coming back or something?"

"Can't say for sure." Looking to Suika and Yuugi, the Astral Knight said "You two should enjoy the sunset; I hear it's quite a sight to envy from here. Besides, any friend of Mima is a friend of mine so I'd like to get a little more acquainted with my new friend here." Waiting for the other two oni to disperse (literally, in Suika's case) Konngara turned to Marisa again. "If she does, I'll be the first to hear about it since we're close friends and we both live in Hell. I'll be sure to deliver the message…what's your name again?"

Between bites (and not bothering to swallow the current bite) of a chicken leg, Marisa said "Marisa Kirisame, ze. Pleased to meet ya, and you're?"

"Konngara. Astral Knight Konngara. Mima's talked about you, you know." Cue spit take. Konngara barely had time to blink before her face was covered in cooked chicken flesh. No big deal; this was a lively party and Marisa was pretty drunk for a human, so this one time, it would go forgiven. Pulling the otherwise tasty food off her face, the oni continued "She would usually talk about her human apprentice named Marisa, and that she's been wondering how you're holding up without her."

"I'm doing great, ze," Marisa said, once again not bothering to swallow her food. Put some alcohol in Marisa's system, and manners go out the window. "I've been inventing new spells, and I've been nearing the cap of my potential, ze. I do miss her, though. Not a day goes by that I don't miss Mima-sama, ze."

"I can't blame you." Konngara sat down on the ground beneath a tree, and looked up at the stars, taking a sip from a sake dish her own. "Mima's quite the person. Charismatic, refined, intelligent…"

"Hands off my Mima-sama."

"Oh, I didn't plan on anything like that!" Offering some of her sake to Marisa, which the witch hastily accepted, Konngara explained "Her and I are just friends. We both understand it and plan to keep it that way. You know, you're a bit like her yourself."

"Glad you think so, ze."

* * *

**Five in the morning; Hakurei Shrine…**

"Well, it's -hic- getting late," Yuugi slurred, stumbling her drunken way out the doors of the shrine. "See ya -hic- later, buddy."

"Buh-bye," Suika happily said, giving her friend an exaggerated wave goodbye. This was one hell of a party, and like always, Suika was the life of the party. Everybody got drunk, had a good time complete with excellent food and drink supplied by Yukari, and by now Suika could hardly stand up. Yes, she'd just crash here, against the wall of the shrine. No doubt if Yukari thought it was a bad idea, she'd move Suika onto a bed, so there wasn't anything wrong with it. Or at least, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if Suika could fall asleep. This annoying little green firefly kept distracting her! Only one way to solve the problem; kill it!

_SLAM!_ Suika's oni fist rammed as hard as it could right onto the floor where the firefly, leaving a sizable hole in the floor. "Oops…well, I -hic- killed the firefly so -hic- I'm sure…"

_Buzz…_

"Ha!" This was a pretty skilled firefly; it evaded Suika's attack and now was right behind her! "Then it's a fight, firefly!" _SLAM!_ Suika's fist flew right through the wall to try and kill the firefly, only…she missed again. Now it was on the table. _SLAM!_ Another miss!

* * *

**A good fifty slams later…**

"…" Suika couldn't see the firefly anymore. Either she killed it, or scared it off. Either one was fine with her. She'd ran all around the shrine, and couldn't get it, but now that wasn't a problem anymore. It lead her back outside near the end of Suika's intoxicated pursuit, so she'd just have to go back inside the shrine and… "Crap!" She destroyed it! Looking at the leveled Hakurei Shrine, Suika took another swig of saké to quench the thirst she worked up in the pursuit of that damned firefly. And then, as bad luck would have it, that damn firefly came back again! "It's all -hic- your fault," Suika said angrily, pointing right at the green glowing insect. "Thanks to you, you -hic- dumb firefly, I went -hic- and destroyed the shrine!"

"My fault," the firefly hissed back, glowing even brighter.

"Hey! Fireflies -hic- don't talk! Stop talking, fire-hic-fly!"

"Firefly?" In a bright-as-day flash of green light, the firefly was gone, with a tall green-haired woman standing in its place. "Who on earth ever said I was a lowly firefly?"

"Hey~" _SLAP!_

"Focus. That may be a little tough in your drunken state, but focus, Suika. I need to ask you a very important question."

"I don't answer -hic- to strangers. Reimu -hic- told me it was bad to talk to strangers."

"Ugh…my name is Mima. I need to ask you a very important question, Suika, so I need you to focus…" _SLAP!_ Another red mark on Suika's face, this time because her gaze drifted from Mima to a squirrel climbing up a tree. "Focus, dammit!"

"Oh, alright…whatcha need, -hic- Mima?"

"You may wear the uniform, but you aren't a Hakurei shrine maiden."

"Ya. Reimu had me -hic- fill in for her."

"Where's Reimu at, Suika?"

"Gone. Like, -hic- _poof_, outta Gensokyo. She went -hic- to the outside world," Suika explained, her words getting more and more slurred with each passing syllable, becoming barely intelligible by the time she was finished talking. "Yukari says she's gotta solve something there~"

"I see…" Well, no big deal. Mima wasn't here for the Hakurei power; far from it. Time passed differently in Hell than it did in Gensokyo, and what seemed like only a few years here was at least a thousand in Hell, and during those thousand years, Mima had time to think. "Mind if I stick around until she gets back? I need to speak with Reimu."

"I'm -hic- the miko, so whatever you can tell her…" _Thud._ Suika was passed out like a drunken and snoring light bulb.

"…" No matter. The shrine appeared to be rather destroyed; Mima had to trick Suika into doing that so that the seals keeping her in Hell would get destroyed as well; that silly little firefly avatar was all she was able to do until just recently. Time to put her magic to the test after so long, it would seem. Pointing her palms toward the wrecked shrine, the rubble of the Hakurei Shrine began to glow with a faint green light…

* * *

**Mima-sama~**

**Chillaxed Mima-sama makes for a mellow end to a hectic start of this bizarre fanfic. Much of me wants to have a few silly chapters starring Mima where she tries to sabotage Marisa's harem one-by-one~**


	2. Chapter 2: Reincarnation

**And I have returned! I hope I wasn't too missed as a writer; having no keyboard for a couple weeks really hurt my muse, so I'm hoping to get it back soon so I can continue doing what I love to do, which is also what I do best.**

**Anyway, I'm starting to formulate an incident for this fanfic, since I intended to have Suika solve one while Reimu is MIA, but I'm not quite sure about a mastermind. I also need a motive…oh, idea!**

* * *

"Zzz…" Suika had passed out earlier on the stone path on the shrine. It'd probably be pretty bad for her reputation if they caught her passed out in front of the destroyed Hakurei Shrine. "Zzz…" Good thing it wasn't destroyed. "Zzz…mm…morning," Suika groggily said to herself. "Gotta get saké; I'm thirsty." The oni's eyes opened to find not a blue sky, but the ceiling of the Hakurei Shrine. "Wait…wait!" Suika had destroyed the shrine just last night, and now she was inside it again? Did she travel through time in her sleep? Had Yukari fixed the shrine? Or…

"Morning," Mima said, sliding open the door to where Suika was. "Yes, the shrine is fixed; no, I won't tell anybody about what happened, and to answer your third question, I'm most certainly sticking around at the Hakurei Shrine; I _am_ it's goddess, after all." Yep, good ol' Mima. Maybe not madly driven for world domination like she used to be, but still the same evil spirit once one got past the newfound lack of evil in her.

"How'd you know what I was going to ask," Suika asked, taking a large sip of saké to start her morning.

"You oni are very powerful and honest folks, but you're also a bit predictable when sober. The greatest oni are the drunk ones."

"Then I must be the greatest oni alive," Suika assured herself, drinking even faster once Mima seemed to imply that greatness in an oni came from alcohol. "But now that you're here, who are you exactly?"

"A good friend of certain people of high standing in Gensokyo."

"You didn't answer me."

"Well, I already explained that I'm the goddess of this shrine."

"Hmm…" Suika thought back. It wasn't particularly easy when most of her memory faded away with her drunkenness, but it was doable if Suika had a bit of time. Reimu never really mentioned any goddess being in charge of this shrine, and the only mention of any deity living here was Yukari's occasional jokes that she was actually the goddess. Meaning that there was only one way this could be going… "Yukari!" Made perfect sense to Suika. Changing a few borders could easily alter Yukari's appearance, and could be how she fixed the shrine in the time Suika was asleep.

"No, I'm Mima. Now that you mention her, however, how do you know my good friend of boundaries?"

"I'm -hic- her friend, too. So then we've got something -hic- in common, then."

"It would most certainly seem so, as well as us both residing here in the Hakurei Shrine."

"I'm here quite often as well~" A gap opened up in the room, and out stepped Yukari. "Mima, my dear friend, it's been far too long."

"Ah, Yukari." Giving out a friendly hug, Mima said "It's been far too long. So Suika here is a friend of yours as well?"

"Most certainly. Between her and you, I sure do seem to enjoy some odd company~" Yukari's hand went back into the gap, and pulled out a tasty-looking silver tray of numerous delicacies, some more average than others. "And I should have another friend appearing soon enough. I believe I've assembled quite the little circle~"

Right through the wall. Not that either the person nor the wall was affected, what with Yuyuko Saigyouji being a ghost and all. "What smells tasty," she asked. "Oh, are those what I think they are, Yukari?"

"The finest from the outside world, and a few bizarre treats native to Gensokyo thanks to its youkai population." Setting the tray down on a table in the shrine's main room, Yukari beckoned "Let's all have a seat and get to know each other. Mima returning is a big occasion, after all."

"Wait," Mima said, taking a good look at the pink-haired ghost. Careful inspecting was the mode Mima now entered, taking a very close look at every detail on Yuyuko's body. After a little bit of this (enough so to weird out the hungry ghost) the not-so-evil spirit asked "Have I met you before?"

"Not sure," Yuyuko answered honestly, taking a handful of snacks from the tray and eating all of them in one bite. "You don't look too familiar to me, if that's what you mean."

"Alright, then." Yuyuko did look hauntingly familiar, though…no ghost puns intended. Back to the topic at hand, though. Suika was a shrine maiden, and Reimu was out for the time being. The Hakurei miko was gone and replaced with this person Mima had never even heard of. How bizarre. "So, Suika, did Reimu ever say what it was she had to do?"

"Some kinda -hic- incident over in the outside world. She had to fix it." Suika didn't get it. Wait, hang on a second… "Hey, Yukari! Why is Mima -hic- coming back so big but me being shrine -hic- maiden isn't? You've got -hic- some 'splaining to do."

"Oh, yes, you being Hakurei miko is also big, Suika. I'm sorry for forgetting to mention that in the list of big occasions," Yukari apologized. "But, you see, Mima's been away for quite some time."

"Ah, whatever. You said you're sorry, so -hic- it's all okay." The flat little oni had a seat across the table from Yukari. Hopefully there wouldn't be some kind of fight over who the best friend was. Suika really didn't care who it was; what mattered to the tsurupettan was having a good time and keeping her title as Gensokyo's number-one pandemonium-causer. And that bringer of chaos was now in charge of a shrine. If Reimu had just made the realization (which she did) she'd be saying something along the lines of "What in ZUN's name have I done?" Good thing she wasn't in Gensokyo, at least…depending on who you asked.

"You're sure we haven't met before," Mima asked once again, sitting across from Yuyuko. "I swear I've seen you somewhere before."

"I'm pretty sure we've never met each other before." With a snap of Yukari's fingers, though, the border between forgotten and remembered had been altered. Now that she remembered, she kinda wished it hadn't. The memory was still extremely vague, but it was there now…

* * *

_"…it's the ultimate…"_

_…_

_"On three."_

* * *

"I just remembered something," Yuyuko said, getting up to her feet. "I have to be somewhere…now."

"What's got you in a rush all of a sudden," Yukari asked. "It's unlike you to hurry."

"Youmu…has…um…"

"She has…what, exactly?"

"Uh, a cold! Yeah, she has a cold! And I've gotta…get her some medicine, because it's a really bad cold!"

"Already gotten," Yukari said as a gap opened in front of Yuyuko, dropping a bottle of cold medicine. "I hope she gets well soon~"

"Me too! Bye, now!" Yuyuko grabbed the bottle, and flew like she'd never flown before! The memory with Mima was still pretty vague, but Yuyuko knew at the least that Mima was there when she died. How that was or who the ghostly witch was to her in life still remained a mystery, but hopefully she'd figure it out. Now that she looked back at her crappy lie to get out of there, though, she realized just how badly she'd lied. It was unlike her to be dishonest; she was usually just extremely vague with answers, but never outright dishonest, though.

"Huh…that was odd," Suika said, turning back to her endless gourd. "Anybody else get the impression that Youmu doesn't -hic- really have a cold?"

"I for one think she does have a cold," Yukari said. "And that it's just as bad as Yuyuko said it is, if not worse."

"Really?" Well, if Yukari thought that the cold story was true… "Alright, then. Oh, hey…" Picking up a medicine bottle off the ground, Suika took a better look. Wasn't this the one that Yukari gave to Yuyuko? "Hey, Yukari, she dropped -hic- the medicine on her way out."

"Oh, dear…"

"What? You've got that look -hic- on your face. Ya know, that one you get -hic- when you did something and then it went -hic- horribly wrong. What's the matter?"

* * *

**Hakugyokurou…**

_COUGH, COUGH!_

"Youmu?" Yuyuko was glad to be back home and all, but Youmu was nowhere to be seen.

"I-In here," the half-phantom weakly replied. "I got sick while you w-were out…"

* * *

"I'd rather not discuss it," Yukari said, opening a gap beneath the medicine and sending it to Hakugyokurou. Youmu would probably need that right about now. Now Yukari learned a valuable lesson. Don't screw with the border between sick and healthy.

"Okay. So, -hic- next topic on the agenda! Which is…um…"

* * *

**One mini-party later…**

"Buh-bye, Yu-hic-kari."

"Get along well with Mima, Suika." And with that, the youkai of boundaries gapped out of there. She had things to do, and leaving Suika here, while some may not have seen it as the best idea, was certainly a good plan. After all, it wasn't like Suika could cause _too much_ harm in her always-drunken state. And whatever damage the oni could possibly cause, she was usually pretty good about fixing it herself, but if she got stubborn about it, there was always Mima around to clean up the drunk's mess. "So, -hic- Mima. You're -hic- not from around here, are ya?"

"What's that mean," the godly ghost asked.

"Well, I -hic- mean, nobody ever really heard -hic- about you before 'cept Konngara, and she said -hic- she was your buddy. So, where -hic- ya from?"

"I was born in the outside world, if you need to know, and died there too. However, like all other youkai, I eventually came to Gensokyo." Reimu would be pissed off to see that she was back again. Mima couldn't wait to see the look on the miko's face when the first thing she saw was probably herself and Suika having a lively chat. Speaking of Reimu… "When do you think Reimu will be home, Suika?"

"Hm…" Out of the Four Devas, there was a strong one, a wise one, a swift one, and a drunk one. Suika was the drunk one. "Not -hic- a clue."

"Let's hope she doesn't get killed out there. It would be the end for Gensokyo." Not to mention the Yukari rampage that Mima could completely see coming if that were the case. The people responsible for it, and everybody any of them knew, would probably get slaughtered like helpless little pigs. Then again, Mima would probably do about the same if somebody put an end to Marisa's life. And now that she was the topic of Mima's thoughts, it just occurred to her. Marisa probably had no idea Mima was back. "If you'll excuse me, I must be off. I'll return in a few minutes."

"Have -hic- a good time!"

* * *

**Not much later; Marisa Kirisame's house…**

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!_

"Closed for today, ze," Marisa shouted from the inside of her house.

_KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!_

"I said we're closed. Until tomorrow, the door is staying locked, ze."

_BOOM!_ No more door.

"You destroyed my…" Marisa stopped mid-sentence. She'd recognize that kind of magic anywhere. As well as the green-haired guest making herself comfortable. "Mima-sama!"

"Hello, Marisa. Sorry about the door; I'll have a new one up by the end of tomorrow."

"Forget the door da ze!" Marisa could build a new one, or go to Kourindou; she'd heard that the doors in the outside world very tough to break down. Perfect for Marisa's house. "Make yourself at home, Mima-sama! What's mine is yours!"

"I see you've learned plenty of magic on your own, and have taken an interest in alchemy as well." Which would explain the numerous glowing vials along a shelf in the corner. They looked volatile. _Very_ volatile. "Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say that I was back in Gensokyo; I need to go visit Yuka tomorrow. For today, though, I'm going to head back to the Hakurei Shrine and relax for the day; I believe I've earned it."

"I'm sure you did, Mima-sama. Go relax, ze."

* * *

**The idea I mentioned at the start; it's a secret. I can't tell you what it is, but I can tell you that it's more of a few dozen murders than an incident, assuming I stick with this plan to begin with. I'm known to change my mind at the last second, so we don't quite know yet, do we**


	3. Chapter 3: Festival For The Green God

**Another funny chapter starring our wacky waki oni. I think that, toward the end of this chapter, I've probably done the funniest thing in any of my fanfics, so lemme know if you agree with that. Just visualizing the actual scene makes me laugh, and I'd pay just about anything to see that turn into a 4koma or even a doujin!**

**Speaking of doujin, I've been reading the Miko Miko Suika series because Azure Xuchilbara told me he was pretty well reminded of it. I've gotta say, that series is really funny, and the hilarious scene near the end is kind of inspired by something that really cracked me up in that. But enough about me, you're here for Suika and Mima, right?**

* * *

"Is this all -hic- Reimu does," Suika asked herself, lying back on the roof of the Hakurei Shrine, helping herself to plenty of endless saké. It couldn't have possibly been.

"Bored," Mima asked, appearing in the oni's vision and blocking her sunlight.

"Ya. The shrine's -hic- all done and good up-fixed so -hic- I've got nothing to do."

"Well, usually shrines have festivals to celebrate the return of their god." Sitting herself down next to Suika, Mima said "Perhaps we should have a festival to celebrate my return."

"Yeah!" Leaping up to her feet, Suika downed a massive amount of saké and said "Festivals -hic- I know!" Suika downed even more saké and held it in her mouth for a little bit, and in a manner similar to how she'd spit out fire if she were in a fight, Suika spat forth a massive army of mini-Suikas, most of which dispersed themselves in just about every direction. Their goal was simply to spread news of the wonderful soon-to-happen festival at the Hakurei Shrine and then come back to help her set it up. This would be two parties in two days, both relating to residents of the shrine. Suika really hoped that the pace kept up; being a shrine maiden wasn't bad at all so far.

"I'll help with the preparations," Mima said. "Who knows? That offertory box may actually get some pocket change by the end of the day."

"That'd be -hic- great!"

* * *

**Nightfall; Hakurei Shrine…**

Another festival at the Hakurei Shrine, and once again was Suika the life of the party. Faces from all across Gensokyo were turning up, and even the Moriya Shrine's crew showed up to meet this god they'd never heard of before.

"So it's Mima," Suwako asked. "Great to meetcha! Name's Suwako Moriya, original god up at the Moriya Shrine."

"Original? That would imply you're no longer the one in charge there," Mima said, chuckling a little bit at Suwako's reddening face. "So, what form of god are you, exactly?"

"An earth god. And you?"

"Me? Just a god in general, but if I had to narrow it down, I'd call myself a scourge god."

"Scourge god, is it?" And seemingly appearing from the air itself, a massive white snack sat around Suwako's neck. "You wouldn't happen to know Mishaguji, would you?"

"I've heard of him, though I expected your pet god to be a little…hm, bigger."

_HISS!_ "Easy there, I'm sure she didn't mean it that way."

"Regardless, being a scourge god certainly has benefits. It's easier to gather faith and donations if people know you can ruin their lives with the snap of a finger, which is why I've been making a point to make sure everybody knows I'm indeed a scourge god."

"Is that why the shrine keeps getting destroyed? And why Reimu never gets donations?"

"Destroyed? Who has been destroying my shrine in my absence?" Mima would be certain that the perpetrators had a nice "talk" with her about destroying the shrine in the absence of a god.

* * *

"It's quite a gathering," Sanae said, looking at the other partygoers here, alongside a drunken tsurupettan oni miko.

"Ya. Hey, want -hic- some saké?"

"O-Oh, no thanks, I don't drink."

"Come on~ A lil' bit of harmless -hic- drinking never hurt anyone."

"No, really, I _don't_ drink!"

"Have a bit -hic- of fun; we're at a festival!" All Suika needed to pin the human miko down was a single finger; a pinky finger at that. "Bottoms -hic- up, Sanae!" The bottom she referred to, though, was the bottomless gourd of saké she kept nearby at all times.

Next thing Sanae could tell, she was gulping down alcohol just to keep herself from drowning, taking quick deep breaths whenever she had the time. She tried counting the seconds that Suika was delivering this torture, but things started to get fuzzy at around ten. If they hadn't, she'd have gotten as far as sixty before Suika finally stopped forcing drunkenness upon the Moriya miko.

"So? How -hic- ya feel?"

"Drunk," Sanae slurred. She'd never had alcohol before, so sixty straight seconds of an oni's saké was more than enough to get Sanae plenty drunk. Were it not for the alcohol in her system, Sanae would be horrified of whatever hangover would follow this. Given how drunk she was right now, it would be bad.

"Feels good?"

"Mmm…I'll -hic- get back to ya on that." Getting up to her now-wobbly feet, Sanae hopped down off the shrine's roof and stumbled into the party itself. A night of drinking was a night to enjoy, right? So Sanae would enjoy it!

"Feels good -hic- to share," Suika told herself contently, kicking back and looking up at the wonderful full moon hanging overhead. While she was still sober, Sanae had mentioned lots of things. Parts of the conversation were about things Suika wouldn't know much about, like giant robots and assorted sci-fi topics that left Suika drawing blanks, though the giant robot thing gave her an idea. Of course, Suika was a very drunk little oni, so it wasn't necessarily a _good_ idea…

* * *

"This is a handy little device," Mima said. Nitori had tasked Yukari with handing these out to give them a test run; a handheld device that could contact others of its kind no matter the distance as long as you put in the right combination of numbers. In other words, Mima had just been given her very first cell phone. "Does Reimu have one, too?"

"Indeed she does. Her number would be 425-8734."

"…7, 3, 4. That's interesting…"

"What's interesting," Yukari asked.

"Have a look. These keys have letters on them; Reimu's number can spell 'Hakurei' if you type it in. Who else has a phone in Gensokyo?"

"I have one," the gap youkai happily said, flipping it open and punching in her own number. 427-4241, or, as Mima had pointed out with Reimu's number, GAPHAG1. "!" Well, if that didn't grind Yukari's gears, what would? Nitori had just made fun of her by means of a phone number! There were others as well, though some were pretty obvious if one figured out Nitori was making fun of people. But Yukari didn't care that others were being made fun of too; she cared that Nitori had the spine to include GAPHAG in Yukari's number!

"You alright there?" Mima had yet to press the dial button, mostly because Yukari seemed pretty pissed off about something.

"Y-Yes…I'll be…just fine…" Gapping off the shrine grounds, Yukari started taking deep breaths.

"Very well, then." Mima pressed dial, and put the phone up to her ear. Did it really work like she'd been told it had? _Riiiiiiing…riiiing…riii-_

"Hello," asked Reimu, picking up on the other end of the line.

"Reimu?"

"Mima!"

"Yep. Relax, I'm a bit different than last time we met. Anyway, what's gotten you so far away from the shrine as the outside world?"

"There's an incident here, though it's something I can't really explain without you being here to see it for yourself. Please tell me Suika hasn't completely destroyed the shrine."

"Oh, heavens no. In fact, I'd say she's a much better candidate for a miko than you are, actually. She's only been in charge for two days and we've already had two great festivals here. One to celebrate her becoming miko, and one to celebrate the return of the Hakurei Shrine's god."

"My shrine doesn't have a god."

"Of course it does! You're speaking to her right now!"

"Mima, the day you become a god is the day Yukari turns 18."

"She's already well past that age, so it's settled. I'm a god. Bye-bye, now."

"Hey," Reimu shouted through the phone, hurting Mima's ear a little bit. "Don't hang up! I'm not done talking to you just yet! Mima, dammit, pick the phone-" _Click._ Mima flipped the phone shut, hanging up on Reimu in the midst of her angry shouting.

Yes, this festival was…pretty…great… What the hell was that massive silver thing coming toward the shrine?

* * *

"**Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrr**!" The wondrously drunken mind of Suika had come up with probably the best (or absolute worst, depending on who you ask) idea ever. Nitori had explained to her what Sanae was talking about when she mentioned giant robots, so Suika took it upon herself to gather some cardboard boxes, paint them silver with red lines, and increase her size at least tenfold! Now there was a 100-foot Suika (not very cleverly) disguised as a robot, marching toward the Hakurei Shrine, dispersing an army of regular-sized Suikas that could pass as little robot henchmen. Being an oni with the power to control density had never been so fun before.

But she needed an opponent…there, over the horizon! Suika turned around just in time to see something much bigger than she was; a massive golden metal sentinel that ran on nuclear power. Yukari had mentioned it to her once. Hisou something-or-another…

_BAM!_ It delivered one massively solid punch to Suika's cardboard-reinforced chest (using the power of density, she'd made the cardboard as tough as metal) to which the oni responded with a punch of her own. It made Hisou Tensoku shake, and almost fall over, but the steel sentinel still stood strong.

And inside the cockpit was Sanae Kochiya, still pretty drunk from Suika's forced saké-sharing. "This is my life's dream," she told herself ecstatically, literally shaking in her seat from pure excitement. "A giant robot fight!" _PUNCH!_

Suika wobbled plenty from that hit, and almost fell down and crushed the Hakurei Shrine and everybody around it, but the oni-turned-robot(?) still stood. "Then I'll -hic- do this! Mecha-Oni Sign: Missing Power, Silver Deluxe Edition!" If 100 feet was big for an oni, what did it mean when that increased tenfold? "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Now Hisou Tensoku was looking up to the drunkenly diabolic face of a 1,000-foot oni. Bending down so that her arms could reach Hisou Tensoku, Suika picked up the robot and looked it right in the eyes. "You were so big a second ago," the oni said, her voice shaking the ground from the sheer size of her vocal cords. "Maybe I should make _you_ bigger, too!" Setting Hisou Tensoku back down, Suika did her usual growth trick, only this time, she applied it to Hisou Tensoku.

Now there was a 1,000-foot oni-gone-robot staring down an actual mecha of the same size. It was rare that Suika fought worthy opponents that weren't oni like herself, but this metallic behemoth seemed like the perfect foe! The ultimate battle was about to begin! The sheer size of these two meant that no matter where one stood, they'd be easily able to spot both Suika _and_ Hisou Tensoku, so it'd be wise to put on quite a show and not disappoint the spectators!

* * *

**The reason it's Silver Deluxe Edition is because it was gonna be Gold, but Hisou Tensoku is gold and Suika's costume is silver, so Silver Deluxe Edition. For the next chapter, I heavily recommend listening to the full version of Our Hisou Tensoku, or even the mashup I have uploaded on YouTube, the one that combines the original with SOUND HOLIC's vocal remix.**

**Originally, I was gonna have the mecha-Suika scene right after the part with drunk Sanae, with the "timeskip line" saying "One conversation with a kappa, a minute to change, and a growth spurt later…" but decided it'd be better to have it happen after Mima's phone call with Reimu. On that note, I dunno if I'll continue using the cell phones in this fic, but at the same time, they're the only thing keeping Reimu in this fanfic right now.**

**Also, do you agree that mecha-Suika is probably the most hilarious thing I've conceived? I can't remember any scene I've written that made me laugh so hard while I wrote it down, but at the same time, I've gotta keep myself focused to I can deliver six-star hilarity with our favorite tsurupettan.**


	4. Chapter 4: The 1,000 Foot Oni Attacks!

**My updates are starting to become few and far between. I really hope I'm not losing my passion as a writer! D: I don't want to stop writing, but I can never get myself to start!**

**I've found myself in quite a situation, haven't I? Anyway, enjoy this oni-packed chapter filled with lolita oni miko Suika.**

* * *

_PUNCH!_ The fist of a 1,000-foot oni was certainly something to be feared, even behind the metal body of Hisou Tensoku. Now there was a massive dent in its cheek, but that was met with a big dent in the box over Suika's head, put there by the equally large fist of Hisou Tensoku. This fight was just starting and already Suika was enjoying it!

* * *

_CHING!_ How much yen had just been dropped in the donation box? 5,000? 20,000? No…35,000 yen. "Put it all on Hisou Tensoku," Suwako shouted. The frog goddess had a good feeling. She'd be walking out of here with 70,000 yen in her pockets if things went the way they should have.

"That's a pretty big bet," Mima warned. "And even then, I don't believe you're supposed to put it in the donations box." However, Suwako's gambling gave Mima an idea… "Place your bets," Mima shouted so that everybody at the shrine could hear her. "Place your bets here! Both sides pay 2 to 1; walk outta here with double your money!" People probably wouldn't bet on Suika, even if she was an oni. And if they did, Mima had a Plan B to make sure that _all_ the bets still were property of the Hakurei Shrine. In one night, the Hakurei Shrine was going to make at lest 35,000 yen in donations. That was much more than it had ever made throughout the entire history of Gensokyo itself; Mima had been keeping track for the last 1,300 years.

"5,000 on Hisou Tensoku," Kanako said, dropping even more money in the box. That was now 40,000 yen.

"50,000 on Hisou Tensoku," Nitori shouted, dropping more yen in the box than the amount that was already there. 90,000 yen total.

* * *

**Countless yen in bets later…**

It was split even, but the Hakurei Shrine's donation box was literally overflowing with money! 500,000 yen bet in total on each side of the fight added up to a whopping one-million yen! Of course, the winners would empty out the entire box, which was a shame. Good thing Mima had a Plan B…

* * *

Suika and Hisou Tensoku both looked like they couldn't go for much longer. "This is gonna -hic- end it," Suika said, rearing her oni fist back. "Mecha-Oni Dynamo Punch!" _BA-BAM!_ Hisou Tensoku fell over as Suika started shrinking it back down to its regular size. She'd won. Shrinking back down to regular size herself, the tsurupettan stepped onto the shrine grounds to be met with cheers and applause as she started taking off her dented and torn cardboard armor. "Yeah! I-"

_THUD!_ Suika was out like a light bulb. This was Mima's most powerful knockout spell; designed specifically for situations where she had to knock somebody out without being noticed. "Well," the goddess said. "I guess it's a draw. Meaning, all bets now are forfeited~"

"That's not how it works at all," Suwako shouted. "If it's a draw you're supposed to give us back our money!"

"I don't recall such a rule. Even if it really works like that, nobody ever consulted me to see if I was alright with it. Therefore, the rule is moot at my shrine. So sorry."

"…" Part of Suwako got the idea that this whole thing was a scam to begin with. But, while Suwako was powerful herself, and more so when she teamed up with Mishaguji, Mima had an oni shrine maiden on her side that had just defeated Hisou Tensoku, even if she was snoozing on the shrine grounds at the moment. No point in trying to win this one. And she was so close to having that much more yen, too…

* * *

**The following morning; inside the Hakurei Shrine…**

"So, I hear that -hic- the humans outside Gensokyo have -hic- this…thing. And, what it does is lets you -hic- go to some kind of network, or something…" Nitori had mentioned it when Suika brought up the topic of Sanae Kochiya yesterday; some sort of outside world network to connect countless people together. "Ya know what -hic- she's talking about?"

"Hmm…" Mima was glad that last night's fight ended like it did. The Hakurei Shrine was 1,000,000 yen richer now. In the hand of the goddess, between her pointer and middle fingers, was a golden pipe, but it wasn't for any regular form of smoking. Instead, it gathered and dispersed lost souls when used, taking in all their suffering in the meantime and turning it into a kind of drug that got the user high. She picked it up in Makai some time ago; stolen from right under the nose of Shinki herself. "Sounds like the humans out there did their homework on something, eh? I'm surprised they managed to pull something like that off, actually…do you know anything else about this network?"

"It's called the internet," Yukari added to the conversation, gapping into the shrine. "Even as we speak, millions of humans in the outside world are connected to it, interacting with each other despite any amount of distance, as well as one resident of Gensokyo."

"Who would that be?"

"Kaguya Houraisan. If you want to know more about this whole internet deal, odds are that Kaguya would be the one to ask."

"I see…" Suika's interest was piqued. She wanted to know exactly how this worked, and now she knew where to find those answers. "Hey, I'm gonna -hic- go find Kaguya and ask about the internet. Buh-bye!" _POOF!_ In the usual Suika fashion, the oni-gone-miko dispersed into mist, and made her way out through whatever she could. Next stop: Eientei.

* * *

**Eientei…**

_KNOCK, KNOCK!_

"Yes?" The front door of Eientei slid open, and its owning doctor stopped in her tracks for a second. She'd not expected to see anybody in a miko outfit, much less an oni in a miko outfit. Although, thinking back, the Bunbunmaru _did_ say something about Reimu being replaced for a little while…maybe Aya wasn't _completely_ unreliable for information. "Can I help you?"

"I've gotta -hic- see Kaguya, about -hic- the internet!"

"Internet, is it?" Turning to lead the oni through the halls of Eientei, Eirin warned her "I hope you know what you're about to get yourself into. Once Princess Kaguya starts talking about her games, she can hardly stop herself from going on for hours at a time. Are you quite sure you're willing to sit through all her rambling?"

"Yup. I've gotta -hic- learn about it, and she can teach me."

_Knock, knock._

Kaguya's room. "Princess," Eirin called from across the door. "You have a visitor."

"A visitor," Kaguya asked from the other side of the door. "…fine. Send her in."

"Go right in," Eirin said, sliding the door open. "And may whatever god owns your shrine have mercy on your soul if you're here about internet."

"Okay~" Suika stepped in with her usual drunken merriment, gourd of saké in one hand, gohei in the other. Now that she thought back to it, why did she bring the gohei in the first place? Not like she really needed it, but…it was probably good to keep it on-hand anyway. Although, as far as she could tell, it was just a stick with paper charms on it; the gohei couldn't even tear through trees in one swing. Considering that Suika was used to lifting a tree in each hand as a warm-up, that was just lame. "So, are -hic- you Kaguya?"

"That's me, yes. What's brought you all the way out here to see me?"

"Somebody told me about -hic- this internet thing, and said you were the best one to talk to."

"…" For a brief moment, Kaguya's entire body froze. Then, with unparalleled enthusiasm, the princess nearly shouted "And that I am! Have a seat, Suika; by the time I'm done explaining, you'll be surfing the net like a pro!"

* * *

**Lunarians are now rambling about internet for hours on end…**

"…and that's about it," Kaguya said happily. "Since there's no other internet in Gensokyo, we went to Yukari and asked her to hook us up to the outside world's network. We get a great connection all the time, and pretty much zero lag in all but the most connection-murdering situations."

"Really, now…" Suika didn't get a bit of what Kaguya said. She understood the first five minutes, but after that, Kaguya's lecture was so confusing and it made Suika think so hard that it actually made her sober for once. Of course, if she weren't, she wouldn't have noticed the tiny picture frame next to Kaguya's computer, with this girl Suika had never seen before. Whoever she was, she seemed to be about Suika's height, if not a bit shorter, with very long blue hair and bright green eyes. Whoever she was, she looked pretty relaxed. "Hey, who's this?"

"Oh, that's just my online buddy. We game for days on end if we get the chance, but usually one of us falls asleep at the keyboard at some point."

"What's her name?"

"Konata Izumi."

"Konata Izumi, huh?" Short, flat-chested, relaxed look all the time…

And once again, Suika's wonderful brain was coming up with ridiculous ideas. "How much does it cost for eye surgery?"

"Eye surgery?"

"Yup. To change my eye color."

"W-Well…I don't really do any of the clinic stuff around here, you'd need to ask Eirin about all that."

"Is that so?" And she'd also have to go to Marisa's house; Mima had shared a story once about how Marisa used to have red hair, but turned it blonde with magic. Suika would need to see her right after this eye surgery. And then there was one other person. Sanae had said she was from the outside world, so no doubt she'd have the same kind of clothes as the girl in this picture "I'll go find her then." Suika's newest idea, born out of a sober system and boredom. What a wonderful life she was living as a miko…

"Hey, come back sometime. It's great to chat with folks who know how the web works."

"U-Uh…yeah, sure." _Note to self: drink until I forget I said that._

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Hakurei Shrine…**

"I wonder where Suika is at," Mima asked, looking out at Gensokyo from the porch of the Hakurei Shrine.

"She'll be fine." Joining her was Yukari; the two had been catching up with each other for a while. "After all, Suika's an oni; I'm sure she can handle herself."

"I don't doubt that for a moment."

"Yes, and she's always been a somewhat lucky girl as well~"

* * *

**I've been on a bit of a Lucky Star fix recently, so I thought it would be funny. I was looking at a picture of Suika, and I realized that she and Konata are both short, long-haired, and flat-chested. I'd bet that Konata could pull off an epic Suika cosplay if she dyed her hair or got a wig. Instead, I'm having the exact opposite happen; Suika's about to transform herself into Konata Izumi.**

**This should actually be pretty hilarious~**


	5. Chapter 5: We Should Build A Bar

**This chapter took a big and somewhat disappointing turn in its development, but that very turn was what allowed me to get back on this fanfic of sake-crazed, loli-sized, miko-clothed, two-horned fun given the form of an oni. At first, as the reviews from the last chapter imply, I was going to turn Suika into a density-controlling clone of Konata Izumi, but I wound up doing something much different instead.**

**I like this other idea better, personally, since it can be funny for way longer.**

* * *

_SLAM!_ Suika nearly tore off the door to Eirin's office in her drunken rush to find the doctor. "Doctor -hic- Eirin," Suika shouted. "I need an eye surgery to turn -hic- my eyes green!"

"Eye surgery? Well…I suppose. The total comes up to 500,000 yen."

"Um…" Mima said to not touch the donation box, and that was where all the money was. The reason Suika was forbidden from touching it was because not just the goddess, but the oni miko as well wanted to see Reimu's reaction to coming back with her donation box literally overflowing with cash. "Never mind. Oh, can I make a future reservation?"

"This isn't a hotel."

"No, I mean like, I have a friend who might need to come here soon, so can I just make sure she'll be taken care of soon when she gets here?"

"Of course. I'll need a name and why you suspect she'll be coming here for a visit."

"Reimu Hakurei. Yeah, I think when she gets home, she's gonna have a heart attack."

* * *

**Later; Hakurei Shrine****…**

"We need a fundraiser," Suika suddenly decided. "Something fun to help everybody have a good time, and -hic- get our shrine a little bit of money in the meantime." Suika had an idea of how to do it, too, but she would need backup. "Wanna help me out, Mima?"

"I don't have anything better going on. What did you have in mind?"

"Alright. We're also gonna need Yukari -hic- to help us, or else we can't do it right. See, what we're gonna -hic- need is…"

* * *

**Drunken oni miko is now planning****…**

* * *

"…"

"So? It's -hic- frickin' foolproof! When Reimu gets home, she's gonna dig a big hole in the ground, and we'll be -hic- swimming in donations!" Suika's plan, while the oni saw it as foolproof…

"Are you sure?" Mima was a little skeptical. Granted, it would probably work, but the whole thing was pretty impractical. Although, Suika simply being a shrine maiden was probably impractical, so maybe that was how it was supposed to work. Impractical people came up with impractical plans, and they usually got those plans to work. Well, nothing better to do. "I'll get Marisa and Yuka to help with the construction. I'm sure Yukari will let us borrow Ran as well."

"Great! I'll go get everything ready!" With that, Suika near-exploded into a cloud of mist and made her way to the place she had to go to. Her plan was excellent and simple. Build a bar. Have a big grand opening party to which she would gather anybody in Gensokyo who enjoyed a good time, and put all the proceedings toward the Hakurei Shrine. She even planned to build a small donation box for the shrine to possibly earn a little extra income, complete with a tiny wood figurine of a sad-looking Reimu that would hold a sign that says "PLEASE DONATE" on it.

Actually, maybe adding the Reimu figurine was a bad idea if she wanted donations…

* * *

**Later; just outside the Forest of Magic****…**

"I don't remember this path being here, ze…" Marisa knew the Forest of Magic like the back of her hands, so she would have seen this path before if it weren't extremely new. She was just coming home from a quick stop at Kourindou, and stumbled upon something interesting! That was what Marisa called lucky! Best to investigate. And so, the black-white witch made her way through the path of uprooted trees, curious as to what she would find at the end…

"One, -hic- two…three!" _TEAR!_ Suika pulled up with all her might, tearing a tree from straight out of the ground. She couldn't build and open a bar if there was no road leading to it, and the Human Village said she wasn't allowed to sell alcohol there (Mokou didn't bother trying to candy-coat it) so she would do it at the Forest of Magic instead, with a road she'd built herself. If she had seen the witch coming up behind her, Suika would have probably said something like "Cool, right? And I have this big clearing here too!" All oni-made, of course. "Hmm…this side -hic- looks kinda funky. One, two…-hic- three!" _TEAR!_

"What are you doing, ze?"

"Huh?" Suika turned to meet the person questioning her. "Oh, hey! Mima said -hic- she'd get you and Yuka later, but -hic- I haven't finished just yet. Come back later~"

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, this? No-hic-thing. Just building -hic- a bar."

"Why do you have to tear trees out for that da ze?"

"Because~ I need wood -hic- to build with, and I got -hic- to build this convenient little road. Cool, huh?"

"…" This area was one filled with especially rare mushrooms that grew only here, and if exposed to too much light, they died. Suika just took out a good 70% of the area where these mushrooms grew by making this clearing. Even now, Marisa could see them shriveling up and dying. It was almost heartbreaking for a mushroom enthusiast like Marisa. "So, what was Mima-sama going to get me for, ze?"

"To help -hic- build a bar! See, tonight we're having -hic- a big grand opening party, and all the proceedings are going to the Hakurei -hic- Shrine."

"How much do you think you'll make?"

"Money is money, Reimu would say." Reimu _had_ said that before. She didn't care if somebody donated a million yen or one yen, because money was money. Suika, however, was apparently an exceptional tag-team partner with Mima in making money. Reimu, to be subtle, was not good at raising money. That was the difference between the usual miko and her horned loli-size replacement.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Hakurei Shrine****…**

_Riiiiiiing__…__riiiing__…_ Mima was trying to call Reimu again. It was probably good to keep the girl updated on the happenings here in Gensokyo so that she didn't fall too far behind when she got home.

"Hello?"

"Reimu?"

"You again, Mima? What is it this time?"

"You got donations~"

"…"

"Hello?"

"Quit pulling my leg."

"No, really! I'm looking at the donations box right now, and it's overflowing with money!"

"It's not April Fool's day yet. Give it a few more weeks."

"Fine. Don't believe me. Anyway, I need to go help Suika build a bar, so if you'll excuse me…"

"A _bar_?" Reimu hoped she was hearing that wrong. "Wait, don't hang up! Mima!"

"Hello~"

"What's this you're saying about a bar?"

"Yes, Suika is building a bar, and being the shrine's god, she wanted my blessing and aid."

"Once again, Yukari's birthday is still a long way from now."

"Oh, you don't believe that, do you? It's only…er…" When _was_ Yukari's birthday? "She's very old, okay?"

"So the whole seventeen years old thing is a lie?"

"Seventeen? The first two digits, maybe~"

"Wa-ha-ha-ha!"

"You laughed, I'm off the hook. Bye-bye, now~"

"Wait, hang on!"

_Click._ It was fun to hang up on people when they were in the middle of saying stuff. Maybe she should check on Suika's progress…what was the number? 664-6664, or according to the system Mima had worked out not long after getting her phone, ONI-LOLI. Mima's thumb went over to hit the dial button, and then…

_Click._ Mima decided this was something best checked on in person. Even if oni were honest, drunks were known to get distracted. And Suika was a drunk oni, so she would probably get distracted and confess to it with a smile on her face. With other people, it probably wouldn't work, but Suika seemed like the kind of person to pull it off…

* * *

**Sundown; construction site****…**

"Bring it a little to the right, ze." Marisa was kind of surprised, but also a little frightened at Suika's capacity for construction. By making herself massive, it was almost like the oni was playing with building blocks to get this place built, and while that made for hilarious imagery, seeing it actually happen was rather unnerving when one felt so small in comparison to Suika. "Aaand…perfect da ze!"

"And that's the last one," Suika exclaimed happily and drunkenly, shrinking back to her regular petite size. "Now we just have to put the outside parts on…" At least the framework was done. It looked a bit uneven in some parts, and it looked like somebody was given lots of free time and a handful of Jenga blocks, but that's what happens when a drunk builds something like this entirely by hand. "We also -hic- need to make the structure stronger. Like, oni -hic- strong!"

"Oh, I see you weren't distracted after all," Mima observed, stepping up to the half-built bar. "Now then, fastening the structure and finishing up the building is something I'm entirely capable. What did you say you wanted it to look like again?"

"It's gotta be made -hic- outta stone! And, -hic- it'd be cool if the place looked real cozy like a house."

"I'll get started. We should be set by dark as long as Yukari keeps her end up."

"Oh, crap…"

"What?"

Pointing at the sunset, Suika said "The sun -hic- is going down. Yukari sleeps -hic- a lot, from dusk 'till noon, not to mention -hic- winter's starting in a couple days, so she'll be hibernating the whole time, like a bear…a really -hic- really _old_ bear."

_WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

"Huh?" Suika turned around to find herself facing a big gap. And there were loud whistles going off inside that gap. Crap. Yep, she could see it now. Here came the train, ready to slam into Suika. Well, now she knew a way around it! Increase her density so high that she would become invincible! Density change, go!

_CRASH!_ Success! Suika was unharmed, and there was an oni-shaped dent in the front of the train. The door on the side slid open, and out stepped one blonde-haired youkai, without her commonly-seen umbrella, and wearing a purple nightgown. "Now then," Yukari groggily asked. "Who was calling me an old bear?"

"Me," Suika said. "But now that you're here, think you can help with-" _GAP!_ Suika would have a talk with Yukari over in Mayohiga soon enough.

"Yes, yes, very well. I'll help with this bar of yours." Mima had finished the exterior already, and Yukari's job was the inside. Snap of a finger, and _POOF!_ The inside of the bar would now be everything Suika hoped it would be. As Yukari turned to board her train, however, she turned back to Mima for a moment. "I thought you were going to get Yuka as well. Where is she?"

"Oh. I must have gotten distracted."

* * *

**Wow, they sure built that thing fast! Meanwhile, it takes us some 2-3 weeks to build a gas station, and Suika and co. are building bars in less than a day.**

**I think I might bring the original waki miko back to Gensokyo soon. She's missed an awful lot, and she also missed out on drunken Sanae and the 1,000-foot oni. I swear, one of those tengu better be publishing a manga about this stuff.**

**I'd totally buy it. Hell, if I were a good (or even decent) artist, I'd MAKE it! Alas, even when I focus, my drawings look more like something from Koishi Komeiji's Heart-Throbbing Adventure, so I'm stuck doing horror doujins if I do anything at all XD**


	6. Chapter 6: RedWhite Ambulance Lights

**This is probably the funniest chapter so far. Oddly, most of it takes place in Club Ibuki rather than the Hakurei Shrine, but maybe a bar is a better comedy setting than a Hakurei Shrine without a Hakurei miko complaining all the time. There's also a few bits in Yukari's residence.**

**Gappy's sappin' mah fourth wall…**

* * *

Reimu applauded herself for resolving this incident, taking one big look at the outside world again. She had seen so many interesting things while she was here, many of which were deemed impossible in Gensokyo. Likewise, many things that were commonplace in Gensokyo were considered nothing more than fantasy in the outside world. It had been a bizarre few days, but the job was done at long last, and Reimu could go home and make sure Suika didn't wreck the place. Waiting for the gap back into Gensokyo, Reimu kept looking at this city in the outside world. She didn't want to forget this…

_GAP!_

* * *

**Hakurei Shrine, Gensokyo****…**

Reimu never got used to gap travel. She always landed flat on her ass, and on the stone path in front of the Hakurei Shrine, it hurt. Still, her shrine was in one piece. Stepping toward her shrine, Reimu noticed a piece of paper tacked to the door. She would recognize the handwriting anywhere. It was probably the only handwriting in Gensokyo worse than Cirno's, but who can blame a drunk for bad handwriting?

* * *

_Reimu_

_Went to my bar for the big opening. Yukari said you would come back tonight, so I left you this note to tell you that, so that you wouldn__'__t be all __"__OH MY GOD WHY IS THE SHRINE EMPTY?__"__ and stuff when you got home. I kept it all nice and tidy, too, just like you said :D_

_Suika~_

_P.S. Mima said to check your donation box. Doctor Eirin gave us a little red button you can push if you have a heart attack, and they__'__ll come pick you up super-fast! It__'__s inside the box._

_P.P.S. If you__'__re not Reimu, then don__'__t read this note, cuz the shrine__'__s empty._

_Suika~_

* * *

"Same old Suika…" Was Mima serious about the donations box? Reimu would have to find out about this one! Running over to the donation box, Reimu opened it up, and…

_Click._ Reimu had to push the little red button Eirin gave them.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Club Ibuki****…**

_BEEP! BEEP!_ That was Suika's phone going off. "Oh! It's -hic- for me!" Fishing her phone out of her clothes and flipping it open, Suika drunkenly answered "Hello~"

"It's Eirin. Reimu's back."

"Really? Cool! How is she?"

"Well, I hate to give a drunken oni credit, but she _did_ have a heart attack when she saw the contents of your donation box."

"That excited about the money, huh?"

"Ah, about that…"

"Hey, I'm -hic- gonna put Mima on the phone, kay? I have to -hic- tend my new bar!" Separating her head from the phone, the small oni shouted "Mima! I need ya -hic- over here, like now please!" It was good to have a bar. Now if Suika ever got kicked out of the Hakurei Shrine for too much freeloading, she would have a bar to sleep in all the time, which was actually even better! Until then, however, she'd stick with the shrine.

"Yes?" Mima seemed glad to be called over. Everybody else in the bar was too drunk (not that Suika was sober herself or anything) and they all were acting like idiots, which Mima couldn't stand. Even Marisa, who was so strong, couldn't resist the power of alcohol. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Phone -hic- for ya."

"Oh, alright." Putting it up to her ear, the ghostly goddess said "This is Mima. Who am I speaking to?"

"Doctor Eirin Yagokoro, over at the Eientei Clinic. We've got Reimu over here because of a heart attack; she had it after seeing the contents of her donations box."

"Ha. That worked up over the money, eh?"

"Well, you see, she _did_ have a heart attack over the donations box, only…"

"…you've gotta be kidding!" Was this how Reimu felt all the time? The news Eirin gave wasn't good news at all. Instead, there was a note. According to Eirin, it read…

* * *

_Reimu/Suika/Mima_

_Last time this box was opened (before I put this note in, of course) there was precisely 1,003,487 yen inside the donations box. I__'__m just borrowing your small fortune for a little bit, but I__'__ll be sure to pay you back__…_

_…__eventually._

_With love,_

_Yukari Yakumo~_

_P.S. Just because I__'__m the one borrowing your money doesn__'__t mean it__'__s for me~_

* * *

"…"

"The rest of us discussed it over already," Eirin said. "I can imagine Yukari will lose a few friends until she pays you guys back."

"Wait, who is _us_?"

"Myself, Kanako, and Byakuren. Us three and Yukari get together on Friday nights for poker, but Yukari's not allowed in until she pays your shrine back. Even if she created Gensokyo, and is the oldest one in the bunch, she-"

_Buzzzzzzzzzzzz__…_ Connection to Eirin's phone was lost. Eirin shouldn't have called her old. Especially on the same day that somebody else talked about her age, though Mima wasn't quite sure why she got away with it. Or, perhaps taking the money was Yukari's way of punishing the goddess for bringing up the true age of the gap ha-

* * *

**Mayohiga****…**

"No," Yukari said. "Just no. I won't become a gag character! I, Yukari Yakumo, refuse to be belittled in this way!"

"Okay," a green-eyed human promised. He didn't know Yukari too well, but the two did know each other. The human had a bit of a reputation as a writer in the outside world, detailing events in Gensokyo over a wide span of possible space-time scenarios. "I'll stop making you a gag character, but can I please get back to the story?"

"Very well. You should also poke around about that whole Yuyuko and Mima theory of yours. You know, the one that you mentioned but once and never returned to?"

"_You_ should return the money you took from the Hakurei Shrine. Don't expect much screen time until you do."

* * *

**Club Ibuki; back to the story****…**

Eirin shouldn't have called her old. Especially on the same day that somebody else talked about her age, though Mima wasn't quite sure why she got away with it. Or, perhaps taking the money was Yukari's way of punishing the goddess for certain rash statements she'd made earlier. After all, how old could Yukari possibly be? Even youkai died at certain ages, so Yukari must not have been _that_ old.

"Suika," Mima said. "We've got a problem." Handing the oni back her phone, she said "Yukari took our donations."

"_Whaaat?_ I was gonna buy stuff with that!"

"As was I. Worst of all, Reimu had a heart attack because Yukari counted the yen and actually told Reimu how much she took. Looks like you get to be miko for a couple more days while she recuperates."

"Awesome!"

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to see a certain somebody of something that may or may not be of a level of importance to you. It _is_, however, important to me." With that, the scourge god of the Hakurei Shrine made her way out the door.

"Buh-bye~" Yukari struck again, eh? She'd abducted the oni for a short moment and had a word with her in Mayohiga. It was kind of scary, but Yukari made her point perfectly clear, perfectly fast…

* * *

**Not long ago; Mayohiga****…**

"I presume you understand why you're here?" Yukari, looking as young as ever, held out a tray of sweets for the oni to enjoy. Food was a good way to keep her attention, this she knew. Thus, little sugary cakes from the outside world to satisfy Suika's sweet tooth and even give her energy to run the bar all night.

"Cuz I -hic- called ya a really really old bear?"

"Just _old bear_ will do. Now then, watch this…" Yukari focused, and began to change borders on her face. Wrinkles started appearing, and her skin started getting all saggy and gross. In a few seconds, Yukari appeared just as old as she truly-

* * *

"No," Yukari said.

"It already happened! Deal with it!"

"…"

* * *

**Back to the story (again)****…**

In a few seconds, Yukari appeared just as old as she truly was, and looked nothing at all like the usual gap youkai.

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT****'****S **-hic-** HORRIBLE!**" Suika started throwing the little sugary cakes at Yukari in a full-blown fear-induced panic. "**MAKE IT STOP!**"

"Now then," Yukari said, looking young again in the blink of an eye. "Call me old again, and I'll follow you around looking like that _all day long_. Understand?"

"Y-Y-Yes…-hic- ma'am!" Suika didn't ever want to see that again.

* * *

**Back at the club; now****…**

Suika shuddered at the thought. Even through drunkenness, that memory would probably stick around for years to come, so Suika made certain to never bring up Yukari's age again, _ever_. When she noticed a green-haired youkai stepping up to the bar. Perfect, something to get her mind off of Yukari. "Hey there. Welcome to -hic- Club Ibuki, where the liquor is strong and the barkeep -hic- is stronger. What can I get ya?"

"A glass of water, if you will," the youkai answered, setting a pink umbrella on the floor next to her. "Put it on Mima-sama's tab."

"Mima? Then -hic- it's on the house!" Pouring the requested glass of water, the oni couldn't help but ask. "So, how do -hic- you know Mima?"

* * *

**Suika freaking out was probably the funniest scene in the whole thing, and I laughed just imagining how it would play out, then laughed some more when it became words. I'd like to nominate this for "Best Suika Moment in All of " if I may, unless somebody can find a funnier one.**

**Certainly my funniest yet. Although, even if she doesn't like it, Yukari's no doubt becoming the Yukari that becomes a gag character for her-**

"I thought we had an agreement."

**Screw you, I'm the writer. Go troll somebody or something. Quit breaking my fourth wall already!**

**Is this how Reimu feels when Yukari pops in?**


End file.
